I still feel most safe when I am completely alone. They went on to lead their lives completely oblivious to the suffering they caused.Now think about the other person. I have so many mixed emotions toward this person but in the end detaching is the best for both of us.how sweet. I tried to educate her about how to evaluate whether a counselor is trained in trauma support. The peace that you will experience is worth it!wow thank you for sharing this,out of all the comments this was the best for me.Because it gave me hope and I believe every word you said.Truth has a way of resonating with a person.And I am on my way to freedom and happiness through forgiveness,I chose to seek forgiveness because I have come to the realization that unforgiveness has blocked me in so many ways in my life from relationships to opportunities.I believe in Jesus Christ and one thing he commanded us to do is to forgive. So, yes, a bad thing was done to me, but I can gain satisfaction by distancing myself emotionally aka detaching from that person so they will not have the opportunity to hurt me again.Of course, if someone has decided to continue to try to harm me (stalking, harassment, slander, libel, vandalism, etc.) However, it doesn't allow us to move forward in our lives and learn to trust ever again, or find a new relationship.Andrea Brandt wrote: My experience tells me that we have to deal with our anger NOT DENY IT OR SUPPRESS IT. You sound like a very kind person with a great insight and a good sense of self worth just based on what I have read. I too have had a hard time with the word forgiveness and I agree with you on what it implies. They thanked her for it but they still had to serve their prison sentences. "Detachment" means I simply walk away from the person and the situation out of sheer self-preservation. Shine the light there – even if it is very small on only one thing. What I believe helps most people is the learned ability to stay present and mindful. I am sorry for your pain. But what I would like to know is how did you do to forgive?? Your perspective is a good one in many relationships for allowing the relationship to grow in a good way, but I see problems with your view in cases of trauma and abuse.My experience is that in many cases of parental abuse, the abusers are rigid in their defenses, narcissistic and grandiose. So, yes, a bad thing was done to me, but I can gain satisfaction by distancing myself emotionally aka detaching from that person so they will not have the opportunity to hurt me again..."So, "detachment" for me is creating both emotional distance and physical distance (if possible) from the abusive person, not ruminating about the injustice or marinating in thoughts of revenge, and then, importantly, draining the toxic emotion out of the situation, which is my way of saying "deal with the anger, then let it go." The problem is I CAN'T just accept it, if I could I would, but their crimes were too terrible. Dr. Fred Luskin offers a powerful method in which the emphasis is of letting go of hurt, helplessness and anger while increasing confidence, hope and happiness. And then, I actively try to not ruminate about it.
So instead, I kind of "erase" my feelings of attachment to the person who hurt me, and simply go forward without feeling the need to "get them back". Forced forgiveness or premature forgiveness is more like a "rape" than like "lovemaking", in my opinion.I myself prefer what I think of as the "old testament" version, which is basically very much like a "business" transaction between the person who has been affronted and the perpetrator of the affront. I wouldn't wish my childhood on anyone but I also probably wouldn't be the person that I am today without it. HUGS! But just two weeks ago I visited my father after few years, and to my shock and horror noticed how he has shrunk to this senile old grandpa who just watches tv all day and is no harm to anyone anymore. The only justice you can ever get is that short sweet sadistic satisfaction when you get even with revenge, when you help the law of karma yourself.After weeks of torture back and forth going from one extreme to the other I have been reading A LOT of these blogs you all have so lovingly put together for the DR. This approach seems more like denial than detachment.In my earlier post I described what "detachment" means to me and it IS more; walking away is just the first part:"...And then, I actively try to not ruminate about it. How do I live with that?! She treated me absolutely bad, no trust, no congratulations, nothing. Check back soon! This ground breaking approach offers insights into the healing powers and medical benefits of forgiveness. tiny stuff.That is deep trauma which this article does not cover. she left a permanent damage.I know you want to forgive and move on and get some satisfaction - and sometimes that is hard to achieve. For a major hurt, forgiveness comes over time and includes fully feeling our emotions of hurt, betrayal, and anger.
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