Steven WrightAm I perfect?
Ray RomanoI don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or the acting like you know what you’re doing. James ThurberI will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. “The cure for boredom is curiosity. It wakes up the brain cells. You get married, you’re no longer an individual. It’s the opposite. We need more kindness, more compassion, more joy, more laughter.
Mark TwainI like nonsense. Jimmy FallonI have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on. Funny Meme Quote: Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.FUNNY QUOTES SECTION Steven WrightI drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Ellen DeGeneresBe open to learning new lessons, even if they contradict the lessons you learned yesterday.
Alan AldaLaughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage. George CarlinThink of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. Steve MartinA day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Jack BennyFinally my winter fat is done.
… If you give people access, they take advantage. Brendan FrancisThe true man wants two things: danger and play. Spanish proverbWhen I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Boys fuck things up. Albert EinsteinThe only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
Quote: Sometimes we choose the road we follow.And sometimes the road chooses us. “The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.” And we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh.
It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans. And you feel something that makes you almost want to smile. Stephen ColbertCynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Ellen DeGeneres It’s okay if you don’t like me. Be kind.
Scott Adams (Dilbert)The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Chris RockThey say love is more important than money…Have you tried paying your bills with a hug? Mark TwainOne-liners, short funny quotes, sayings, thoughts and captions for your bio, social status, self-talk, motto, mantra, signs, posters, wallpapers, backgrounds.The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it. George CarlinWhen you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. Bill MurrayGo to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Eddie MurphyMick Jagger’s lips’ so big, black people be going, “You got some big-ass lips!”. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way.
I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. Ricky GervaisBeing on the edge isn’t as safe, but the view is better.
"Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep."
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” Groucho Marx I have nothing but respect for you – and not much of that. Woodrow WyattThe most terrifying thing any woman can say to me is “Notice anything different? Robin WilliamsWhat would you say to your barber? Tina FeyBlorft’ is an adjective I just made up that means completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.
Groucho MarxFrom the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter.
George CarlinWe’re all fucked. Woody AllenMen learn to love the woman they are attracted to.
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